Wives, It’s Time To Wake Up!

Let’s pull our heads out of the sand shall we?

It is no secret that there are alluring and enticing women all over my husband’s computer. In the sense, of course, that they are all over the internet. It is also no secret that my husband is wired to be visual. This is true for all men, generally speaking, and much more so than women. I am no fool. I know the statistics. I know the news. I know that thousands, probably millions of men (and women too!) all over the word struggle to be faithful to their spouse with their eyes and their minds. I also know that the vast majority struggle alone.

So I make it my goal to ask my husband about this, every day.

As great as my husband is (and personally, I think he’s best!) I am no fool to the daily temptations coming his way. Think of it this way: each and every day there are countless sources of temptation flooding his eyes and mind. Seductive internet ads put in with normal web pages, click-bait YouTube thumbnail images, far from modest Facebook and Instagram posts, not to mention his own internal, mental battle for purity. I don’t want or expect him to fight this battle alone and I certainly don’t expect him to win it alone.

I would like to take the rest of this post to speak to women, specifically those who are married, about helping their husbands.

While pornography has historically been an issue primarily for men, the number of women who struggle in this area is on the rise, but the issue of female pornography use is not my focus.

Secondly, I tend to handle things very practically and in dealing with this issue I will do the same. Though I write in a frank tone, I do not mean to diminish in any way the immense hurt, pain, anguish, frustration, and betrayal that a wife feels every time her husband turns to other women, even just visually.

Additionally, this post will not cover the full scope of this issue.

To successfully combat this problem for the long-haul, there needs to be more then what I will cover here (i.e. friends, accountability, wise counsel from couples who have “been there,” etc.) My hope is that this post would simply be a bit of a wake-up call and a charge to take some helpful, practical action towards a healthy and beautiful marriage.

So let’s get started.

If you are married, you need to ask your husband about the temptations and failings he has had. This may feel like opening a can of worms and in some ways it is, however keep the end goal in mind: an excellent marriage based on honesty and trust. If this is new ground you’re treading then please, before you ask him, expect that he has failed. I’m not being pessimistic here, I’m being realistic. Expect that he has failed and imagine forgiving him before you even ask him. Because, here’s the deal: this type of sin is done in secret and it stays in secret, buried deep in the hearts and minds of men. And worse, it’s kept there by shame.

In order for this to be overcome it needs to be brought out into the light. However, bringing this type of issue into the light feels incredibly shaming and uncomfortable for men and for women it can feel like a knife in the heart with every new piece of information discovered. In response to the pain, the wife would like to get it all out and over with, while the husband would like to slow things down and keep hidden as much as possible. Not necessarily because he doesn’t want to be honest (though that may be the case), but because it is exposing a “dirty” and dark part of him, as well as hurting you. My advice: take it slow, be honest about your feelings along the way, and remember that Christ-like love is selfless and takes a lot of work.

Here’s what I believe wives need to know:

A. Recognize that on some level you don’t understand what it’s like to be wired so visually. Additionally, it is a good thing that your husband is so visual. This is what makes him so attracted to you! But couple being so visually oriented with our over-sexualized culture that comes with free and instant access to literal porn (photos, videos, live-stream, live chat, you name it!), with virtually no consequence, and men who desire to remain pure and faithful to in their marriage have a momentous challenge in front of them.

B. To really combat this issue you need to get at the heart of it.

There are at least two things at play:

A lustful heart, which is the selfish desire for purely physical pleasure devoid of the actual effort that a relationship requires.
The desire to be wanted and validated as a man. Basically, this is the truth that every man on some level wants to feel like they are a big, strong man and that women want them (this is obviously supposed to be linked to their relationship with their wife). This may be hard to understand for some women, but pornography is essentially a counterfeit validation to men of their manhood.

C. It’s not your fault! If your husband is viewing or has viewed porn it was their choice to sin. So many women instantly bear the burden of their husbands sin assuming they are the ones to blame. This is not the case! The fault of the sin falls on the sinner- it is not a reflection on you! But stay with me for a moment. What I’m about to say may sound like a contradiction, but it is so important to understand this from all angles.

If you are going to consider yourself a co-laborer with your husband, make it a priority to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling intimate relationship. Affirm him in his ‘manhood’ and work on your sexual life together.
There is nothing more helpful and freeing than for a husband to know that his wife loves, forgives, affirms him AND is fighting WITH him.
A note about “punishing” or withdrawing from your husband out of anger: first of all, yes be angry, express the hurt and frustration you feel. Talk through the pain, the lack of trust, the paralyzation that you may feel. But don’t stay angry. If you stay angry and withdraw from him, you are setting him up for failure by isolating and shaming him. You’re essentially throwing him back into the fire to face it on his own. Satan wants to keep it in the dark and fill him with shame so that he continues to fail. Secondly, this is acting more like his mother than his wife. He had a mother to discipline him for the first 18+ years of his life. What he needs now as a man is a strong, supportive, loving partner and co-laborer. In a word, he needs a wife.

So women, wake up and don’t keep you’re head in the sand. I have seen and heard of so many relationships that crumbled, or almost did, over this issue. Don’t be afraid to face it! It won’t be easy, but your husband will only have true, lasting victory in this area if you are committed to fighting the battle at his side.

(Because of the scope of this topic I may need to write another post!)